30ROCK Is Not Who He Says He Is

7th grade was a big year for me. It was the year my love of Fall Out Boy peaked, the year I killed it on my house league baseball team, and, most importantly, the year of my Bar Mitzvah. For those of you who don’t know much about Judaism, a Bar Mitzvah is a religious ceremony that takes place at age 13 that signifies you becoming a man in the eyes of the Jewish community (Bat Mitzvah is the term for when a girl does it, and they have the ceremony at age 12).

Young SAM THRAXX with that Bar Mitzvah drip.

My Bar Mitzvah was a blast, I DOMINATED the service. My haftorah portion (Jewish prayer you don’t know) was on point, my V’ahavta (other Jewish prayer you don’t know) was legendary, and my Chicago White Sox (baseball team I wish I didn’t know) themed after-party was sweet asl. Everything about my Bar Mitzvah was great. That was the day I embraced the faith, and culture, that came with being Jewish.

For the ladies.

Fast forward to Monday May 6th, 2019. I’m listening to 30ROCK’s long-awaited project Melodies From Heaven, and having an existential crisis of religion I haven’t had since the first time I tried bacon. The combination of unique vocals melodies and imaginative production on track openers “Tuff”, “Contradictions”, and “Forgot” had my mind going down a path I never would have dreamed of 7 minutes prior when I began listening. By the time the VERSUS produced track “Off The Wall”s En Vogue sample hit me, I realized the difficult truth I had been grappling with since the album’s start: I needed to renounce my Jewish faith and convert to Christianity, because 30ROCK is Jesus Christ.

I wasn’t happy to renounce Judaism, I just felt obligated. 30ROCK’s melodies on this project are the closest thing to definitive proof of Jesus’s resurrection the world has ever seen. Why else do these songs hit as hard as they do?? Why else would the album be called “Melodies From Heaven”?? How many people you know off top who died, went to heaven and came back? I know one, The Messiah. The Son. Jesus Christ. If this man was legitimately resurrected, I’m accepting him as my lord and savior 10 times out of 10. I’m not trying to get on his bad side by not accepting Christianity after this man had the biggest comeback since Soulja Boy in 2018.  

Artist rendering of 30ROCK’s true form

For everyone who’s still skeptical of this theory, I ask you, where else could the vocal melodies on tracks like “I Like It” and “Where My Heart Belongs” come from?? Where can you find this in the underground? Where can you find this on earth? You can’t. This is some after-life type shit. I used to think that when Jesus was up in heaven for thousands of years, he was studying scripture, or answering prayers. Boy was I wrong. Turns out the man was hard at work learning pro tools, perfecting his use of autotune, and getting voice lessons from a rotating cast of Kurt Kobain, Whitney Houston, and Marvin Gaye (honestly, kinda reflects poorly on Jesus. Why weren’t you answering prayers man, you could’ve gotten clean water to Flint, MI)

Personal gripes with Jesus/30ROCK’s prayer decisions aside, this album is incredible. 30’s beat selection gives him the opportunity to showcase his versatility, while still providing listeners with catchy hooks and verses in a variety of styles. From RnB, to pop, to hard trap, this resurrected-ass, crown of thorns wearing-ass, back from the dead-ass dude proved that amazing melodies are not confined to a single genre.

However, these facts were not enough to convince me to go through with my conversion.

After finishing the album and doing some soul searching, I had second thoughts. The way I see it, 30ROCK’s Melodies From Heaven is a good indicator that he died, went to heaven, then came back to Earth with melodies. On paper, all signs point to this man being Jesus Christ, aka The King of Kings aka The Lord of Lords aka The Lamb Of God. It’d be crazy for 30 to title his album the way he did if he weren’t Jesus Christ. After all, if the melodies didn’t come from heaven, the album title would be a lie, and as you all know, no one on the internet has ever lied ever. Either way, I’m holding off my conversion until I get more proof. I need 30ROCK to walk on water, or turn water to wine, or heal lepers, if I’m going to make the switch from Tribe to church. Whether that happens or not, I plan on bumping Melodies From Heaven on the daily, or if 30 proves his Jesus Status, singing along to it when it inevitably becomes a part of Sunday Mass. Stream the album below.

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